A Guide For People Who Get Depressed When They Fall In Love (Part 1)

Hi all, I decided to start a Youtube channel because writing can take too long, and sometimes I get these very good ideas and/or have great discussions with friends that I forget to write about on here. Now, I'm not the best speaker out there, so please bear with me... Since I get so busy, I figured I would just "talk" about it, it's less time consuming than sitting here writing about it. I'm not trying to be big or anything, so I'm not going to make fancy videos/using cool editing effects, etc etc. I simply wanted to share information in a less time consuming way. I was using this robotic voice, and as much as I don't fancy my voice as much - I figured it would be MUCH better than listening to that darn robotic voice. Anyways, if you liked it - subscribe. Thank you :) Now, if you're interested in the backstory - here it is:

I know there are a few of you here who experience the pains of falling in love - I know I do. As I go through a really crappy cycle of strained and failed relationships (a lot of it has lots to do with how closed off I am), I'm single and therefore met someone new, this is EXACTLY like what happened with French boy (see: Creating Codependent Partners) - except WORSE. Who knew such a thing could be possible??

Basically I have an extremely disturbing pattern of long distance relationship with men on different continents (although I do seek therapy in my own country haha), having some weird intense long distance romance - where the two of us eventually become so attached, we may as well be conjointed twins. For me this is a terrifying experience because any horrific feelings/beliefs I have towards love basically come to the surface, and while the men sit there texting and/or video chatting about our potential future for a relationship, I'm over here nodding, while my heart beats not of hopeless romance - but literally because I feel so damn hopeless. Following thoughts fill my mind such as: "hey, but what if you die tomorrow?" "how will they know if you're dead?" "should i tell my family about this, so if I die - then the person would know???" "what if they're the serial killer type?" It's the hyperawareness of all the things that could go wrong (other than the fact that it's a little silly getting into a long distance relationship.. I'm thinking of making a video called "the appeal of long distance relationships).


So going back to this man, I sign up for a dating site during a moment of weakness, for the sake of the need to soothe my cabin fever, social isolation, and needing to desperately save my own vanity (no human has seen for about a month at that point). I sign up for 3 profiles, in 3 different countries that I wanted to go to. The one where I currently live, one in Europe, one in Egypt. Literally had no results from Egypt, results in my country were overwhelming, but one profile particularly caught my attention on this European site. We talked, and what seemed like harmless flirtation, and having the "oh my gosh, I can relate" conversations - went the other way around.. Now he's the French guy all over again, but on a deeper level. Things get so personal so quickly, not only are we now talking about A FUTURE, we're talking about fucking children, but I'm literally beginning to feel like I cannot function throughout the day if we don't text, even if it's for an hour. 

I attempted to cut it off yesterday, but then calls me ten times, then has some random guy in Italy msg me via whatsapp telling me to unblock him. So I sit in my chair trying to avoid any feelings of guilt, but he keeps calling me and I give in. Now that entire commotion has caused us get closer, forced me to open up, and a part of me would rather text him than go to sleep. The unfortunate part about all of this, is that I'm very receptive to people's patterns - so I adapt. That's all I'll say for now, I'll get to part two. Geez, this was so depressing to write. It's even harder when your closest friends tell you to stop feeling sorry for yourself - you're attractive etc. This stuff is REAL, and for anyone going through the same feelings when you date/get too close/fall in love - you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Using the manipulation/obsessive techniques are a great way to keep yourself safe from actually falling in love, and feeling vulnerable - to a point where you feel as if they essentially control your mind, personal boundaries, heart, and such a little thing such as a female/male friend they have can get your blood boiling throughout the day - wondering if there's a romantic connection, or whatever. Haha it's hard for some people. I had somewhat of a balanced relationship with M (a lot of you know him), and now I'm really missing that. But at the same time, I need to stop with my "martyr" ways... essentially suffering for another person

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