Someone asked me the other day if there were two things that were important in relationships - what would they be.

Here they are:

1. Attachment styles:

This is how one attaches themselves in a relationship. Self explanatory right? Of course, these styles are derived from ways your parents treated you. There are supposedly 4, but there could be a mixture of some. (I think).

I'll try to keep all these things short though. Need to get back to studying. None of them are in order, by the way.

Secure
(this explanation is quite obvious).

Avoidant:
 you know these types, they avoid intimacy, avoid conflict, basically avoid getting too close. Want nothing to do with emotions, let alone their own - and tend to withdraw often. Don't like to get into relationships because they believe they'll lose all control, mainly emotionally thus they will they'll lose their freedom. Really though, it depends on the person. Freedom means different things to different people. Keep in mind, there's social conditioning. You ever hear the saying "you'll lose your freedom in a relationship" well that's telling a person relationships mean imprisonment. If you're with the right person you won't lose your "freedom" (just a side note). Don't fret, avoidants do crave intimacy as well. This is about control on their end, they didn't understand how to deal with emotions, had emotionally distant parents etc. If they keep their distance - they feel in control.

They usually are afraid of abandonment, and may attempt to find faults in the relationship to keep their feelings at bay and/or because they're scared of opening up.

Anxious 
Pretty obvious, once again. They feel insecure, always in fear. Needing control (again), but through another medium, which is their constant anxiety. Some people feel if they continue to worry, there is a feeling of control. I forget the explanation behind that - but it makes sense. These people usually had a very clingy and a distant parent. A mixture of the two.

Lastly, there's the anxious avoidant. This is a mixture of both. They have both anxious and avoidant traits. They want to be close to a partner, but keep their distance.

It's kind of obvious why this is important - right? If you're with someone, it helps to understand how they attach themselves in a relationship. Easier to accommodate needs for both parties. As you can see, the last three are about fear and control. *oh god, this makes me want to go into fetal position and cry*, mainly because I know which one is mine - it definitely isn't the secure one. Otherwise this blog wouldn't have been born.

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2. Love languages

Firstly, a love language is how one would like to receive love/affection. It's how/what they need to feel important. This is important because.. do you ever hear a conversation between two friends and it goes something like this..

Friend: s/he doesn't love me!
Friend 2: why would you think that?
Friend: s/he doesn't tell me they love and/or care for me anymore.
Friend 2: but the other day they did this for you.

As an outsider, you'd probably think the partner does indeed care for the partner. However, if you listen closely you'll discern two things (about their "love language) - which I will briefly explain.

Words of affirmation
Quality time
Acts of service
Physical touch
Gifts

I won't elaborate, as each one is quite obvious. I hear this all the time when it comes to people who feel unloved/unwanted in relationships.  I've heard conversations like that often, receive emails from all of you like that.. often... which says something. The partner isn't understanding how they receive/desire to be showed love. Learning what their love language will definitely make your relationship a happier one.

No, I didn't make these up. Ever since I was 16, I was quite fascinated by relationships as most of the ones around me were so "dysfunctional". To be fair, the people in the dysfunctional relationships do not classify it as such - therefore I will not either. Either way, I hope this eases some people's suffering, confusion and pain. Try learning both - your relationships, this includes friendships etc, will be more fulfilling.

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